Saturday, November 3, 2012

The Four Types of Ice Skaters

Whether the ice is well Zamboni'd or there are terrible chunks missing from the ice from over-use, there will always be at least these four types of skaters out on the ice whenever you attempt to use a rink.
The typical American skating rink found throughout the country during the winter months

Wall Hugger

This particular skater will be seen circling the rink at a snail's pace, hugging the edge of the rink like his life depends on it. This person has likely never seen ice before, or at least has no affinity for it. They have been dragged to the rink by a friend or group of friends. Is likely a member of the following group of skaters.

The Group Skaters

This skating obstruction typically congregates in large groups on the outskirts of the skating circle and less commonly in the general path of the rest of traffic. This is a result of groups of high schoolers having nothing else to do on a Saturday night, so the group-think inspires everyone out to the skating rink to have some fun in lieu of the movies or bowling. Usually the pace of this group is either stand-still or slow as a result of following the pace of the Wall Hugger. This group will impede everyone's ability to skate in a smooth and orderly fashion and is hampered even more when the Wall Hugger is coaxed from the safety of the edge and is led arm in arm by the rest of the group, before falling and taking everyone else down with them.

Aspiring Figure Skater

This group is always at center ice, practicing twirls, waltz jumps, single axles, and lutzs. While they appear to be pros to The Group Skaters they likely are just more adept at skating than the average person due to having access to a season pass as a means to practice for a competition. This group typically doesn't get in anyone's way and is a very good member of the ice skating rink population.

The Hockey Douchebag

This guy is usually a member of The Group Skaters and is the likely catalyst for the group making their way out to skate. This person has played hockey since elementary school and feels more than comfortable cutting people off and weaving through the traffic on the ice. This may not be an issue if everyone was a static atomoton on the ice, however while The Hockey Douchebag feels no danger, he cannot react on behalf of the Wall Hugger who falls down when passed at 20 mph within inches. This species is often showing off for his friends and trying to hit on the Aspiring Figure Skater who has no interest in hockey players, as they are often like The Hockey Douchebag.

Whether you fall into any of these categories or another unmentioned one, the winter sports complex can be a fun evening event for everyone despite the number of hassles that come with skating in close proximity to idiots. This is often an inexpensive way to spend an evening and a surefire way to have fun without going to the bar.